Soothing My Inner Child Through Art
I was the kid you will find in the corner of her room doodling, drawing, and writing. I really didn’t mind not being able to play outside with my cousins and friends when I was in my zone. There were times I preferred to stay at home and be with my papers and pens — actually I liked it better. I have been creating handmade gifts for my family and friends. I always loved the idea of using magazine scraps and turning them into designing my own stationaries — notebooks, letters, photo albums, etc. I also used to draw a lot — clothes, products, nature, etc. I also did a lot of writing — in my diaries, in my booklet, in my letters, etc. I performed a lot in front of my audience through dancing and singing — in my culture, it has been encouraged to do this to confront the fear of being in public spaces. My relatives thought that I will be going to art school because they knew how much I love creating and expressing myself through art.
But, one day, I just stopped creating and thought art was nonsense
The time our family was going through a big transition, the time we are going through some changes in our lifestyle, the time our family has to go through a period of scarcity — our main priority was survival. Even though I was still young at that time, I realized that focusing my energy on creating art won’t help, even though that was my passion. I gave up altogether. I tried to channel all my energy onto the things I thought “productive”, “profitable” and “practical”. When I was younger, I focused on my studies. As I get older, I started to take up a lot of part-time jobs, a lot of courses, and extracurricular activities to feel like I am doing something has more “value”.
I have abandoned the creative side of me for so many years
I have been away from creating art for so long as I thought it was unproductive, a waste of money, and inefficient. I thought it was so unproductive that I was studying so hard by taking multiple credits at one time instead of painting. I thought it was a waste of money that I was working multiple part-time jobs instead of scrapbooking. I thought it was inefficient that I was distracting myself to do more “work” instead of creating crafts that have a valuable meaning to me. I found myself so disconnected from art. I found myself so far away from the world of creation. I found myself disappearing from what made me who I am. I found myself blending in silently to a society full of lost people. My inner child who used to enjoy creating art was gone. My inner child who used to connect with people through art just shut down. My inner child who used to be in her nature suddenly have to pretend to be somebody she was not.
Despite all of that, I always find myself creating art at every stage of my life
Especially when I am going through a crisis, art has been a healing place for me. I am welcoming my inner child who missed creating her own craft. I am allowing my inner child to connect with herself again and with others through art. I am becoming my inner child again by writing, painting, crafting, and performing. I have been suppressing this side of myself because of all the adulthood expectations I have built for myself. I have been rejecting this side of myself because of all of society’s expectations of me to do more and to be better in the workforce. I have been losing touch with this side of myself because I thought this was the right thing to do in order to survive.
Career = Self-Worth Theory debunked
From my teens to my mid and late 20s, I kept running around on the hamster wheel. I have been a part of the rat race ever since. I have been doing this non-stop to claim my independence, freedom, and worth. This is all I know in order to live. Career had been the core of my value because I thought this is the only thing I know that won’t betray me when I do the hard work. Even if everything else fails, at least I have a lifeline to support myself and would meet my basic needs. If my job will allow me to do this, I will stick to it until the end. But at some point in my life, I realized that it screw me over. I burnt out. I gave my all and I received less. I got less of what I deserve. It made me think that I was wrong and that I have spent my valuable resources working instead of creating my own craft. I felt betrayed, cheated on, and ridiculed. I felt like I was just a clown in a circus with empty seats — no one really cared about my appearance and performance after all.
Allowing myself to heal through art
For the longest time, I have been denying myself that I really wanted to pursue a creative career. I have deprived myself not to be attached to the creation itself. I have convinced myself that I should not follow my passion because it will take me nowhere. But, after reading and watching a lot of content related to this topic, it made me think that I do not really have to equate my art creation to something I do for a living immediately. I can just do art for the sake of creating and experiencing it. I have allowed myself to write even though there is no large audience of readers. I have allowed myself to perform even though there is no large crowd in front of me. I have allowed myself to paint even though no large number of people appreciate my work. I make art for myself. I make art just to make me feel like I have done this at least. I make art to prove my existence. I make art to heal. I make art to see face to face with my inner child that I have left alone for so many years.
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Originally published at https://erinne0217.wordpress.com on August 8, 2022.
