Nurturing Creative Energy is Still Tiring

5 min readJul 13, 2022

I have a few habits that I want to develop and I have a few goals that I want to achieve. And I promised myself to make this happen by end of this year. including this newsletter and podcasts.

Planning and trying to execute all of these will be a lot of work, to be honest

But after being on a semi-hiatus mode on social media and not engaging that much with the outside world virtually, I was able to nurture that “creative energy” that somewhat disappeared in the course of growing up and entering adulthood. I felt like I want to start writing and creating again with my own hands.

I remember those childhood years when we all did is to come up with something to play with, we created our own toys, we wrote and drew a lot and we lost track of time in the process of making — and those were one of the joyful moments I had back then. Then, I grew out of it. I stopped creating because I thought it was time-consuming and “unproductive”. Then, at that time, I thought,

“What’s the point of creating if I will not be making a living out of it”

So I let the creative side of me just die. It is a sad farewell for me. To leave the things that spark joy behind. and after that, you will know what is going to happen to those people who were so miserable, desperate, and feeling lost after losing what they love the most — we turn into hyper-efficient monsters and become a machine of productivity and become a slave to the things that are not inspiring for us anymore.

I have been that kind of person for many years. Ever since I realized that my life would not be even better if I just end up becoming a “starving artist”. I always wanted to be a writer, a novelist, a designer, and an artist. But the reality hit me hard and choose not to take that path, because why should we end up being hungry because we choose to do things we love?

But, that did not stop me from writing. I really love writing and it is such a good feeling for me to be able to release my thoughts and how I feel by writing. it started with me writing in a diary, a journal that turned into blogs and even my personal Instagram posts. I am pleasantly surprised that people are actually reading my long long caption while usually, Instagram is for visually appealing photos.

After I graduated and started working. I felt this pang of anxiety in me. struggling to fit into the new environment, not knowing what I want to do, and feeling of being stuck. I was stressed and confused. again, writing became the biggest outlet for my frustration, anger, and uneasiness.

That was the time, I published my writing in Thought Catalog — my writing became public to the world for the first time. I still remember the day my article went live on one of my favorite writer’s platforms. My piece of work is reviewed by my favorite writer, Marisa Donnelly . It was an exhilarating moment. I finally felt for the first time that I am not just an individual who has to juggle and survive in this current society we live in — like a rat running on a big hamster wheel.

Finally, I felt that someone heard my voice and I was able to share it with the world

After a few years, I was able to self-publish my books via KDP, being able to contribute to another online publication, She Rose Revolution. And my writing journey still continues.

I am so blessed now that I am still able to do this up until now. I am also trying to develop a few creative habits and set a few creative goals to achieve. But, during this process, I suddenly realized that this is actually quite tiring.

While my creative energy starts to increase, I felt that I got no energy left to do other things

Imagine those days that I still have time to hang out with friends, take dance classes, go social or even binge-watch shows is not something I am able to do now — emotionally and mentally. While maybe I still have the physical power to go out and do things, I felt like the focus of my energy goes internally and I do not have enough power to externally release the energy by interacting with others. maybe this is also one of the side effects of not being on social media and having fewer distractions — I am more attentive to my inner world than ever.

Being on my own thoughts without distraction and interruption is extremely lonely

Of course, I can catch up and talk about this over coffee or food with some friends, but it feels different now that my main focus is now to continuously create things. I need my “me time” to focus on whatever I am trying to work on. unless my project will be something collaborative, I definitely need some time alone to just process and do the actual work.

Now, I feel like I can resonate with those novelists, writers, and even content creators, how they feel lonely at times because they have to face their thoughts, feelings, and emotions all the time — because those will be part of their creation. As a process, they might have to confront those by themselves.

Nevertheless, I am enjoying this process of having a constant habit of writing. I am feeling better than before because I feel like I am able to express myself authentically and I feel more about being myself now. I allow my flow state to be in the moment and to write whatever is in my head seamlessly. Hopefully, I can continue to write this newsletter, share this with the world and be able to roll out other self-projects that I have planned for this year.

I love you all and stay safe.

See my first self-published books here. Available in Amazon.

Originally published at https://erinne0217.wordpress.com on July 13, 2022.