What Does Society Know About Becoming A Good Child

Society always and only sees the efforts that the parents put into raising their children. Most of the time, parents were praised for how their children turned out when they grew up.

But, they do not know the side of the children like us who kept trying to respond to every expectation of our parents and others.

They do not know that we children are also enduring the fear of not being accepted and not being loved if we have failed to overachieve their expectations.

Those things we usually think of as normal are something that is gradually destroying us.

So, what will happen is, that children who grew up in that environment will end up performing the fake version of themselves in order to receive approval or to go on the opposite side, to become rebellious. These are the actions in which children are seeking attention from their caretaker and guardian — “Please accept me because I played the ideal role for you even though this is not who I am” or “Please listen and look at me because I am not what you want me to be and accept me as I am”.

And when I first read this part of the book about healing from intergenerational trauma, I nearly cried.

The last thing parents would want to see is their child suffering on their behalf. It is arrogant and inflated to think that we, as children, are better equipped to handle our parent’s suffering than they are. It is also out of tune with the order of life, Our parents existed before we did. They provided for us so that we could survive. We did not, as infants, provide for them.

From “It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle” by Mark Wolynn

It made me realize how most of the pain and suffering I have felt is something I have created on my own without knowing it. The complexity of my family’s relationship is just too deep that it took me a while to entangle all the strings that strangled my emotions, thought patterns, and actions in general. I have unconsciously carried the suffering that my parents have experienced even though it was never mine to carry. Hence, I have struggled to be the ‘carefree child’. There was a heavy feeling on my shoulders, on my chest, and even in my head as if I have been carrying the entire earth inside of my body.

Feeling these immense two opposite forces of wanting to be cared for and to be released from restriction was something I struggled with growing up.

There was always a strong and weird tension between me and my parents which I was not able to articulate back then and now, I know how. I felt that I have been performing as an ideal daughter — in order to be accepted and loved. At the same time, I keep fighting to keep my authenticity — to show I am still an independent individual that only wants respect. As an exaggeration, I felt like there were two different personalities living inside of my body so that I could fulfill the two opposite demands of mine — to get approval to prove my worthiness to them; and to be acknowledged as a person same as them to gain my autonomy.

Most of us disregard the fact that it is a two-way kind of relationship — even the ties we have as parents and children.

Children also take part in this relationship — we are still the active participants in this dynamic where they still absorb information in every possible way without verbalizing it. Children also have feelings, thoughts, and their own will to choose and decide what they want to do in life. But, some of us choose not to go with the flow of what we really desire — because we still care about our guardians.

We care because, in the end, we want them to be happy. Though over time, as we grew older, we realize that they are also just like us — individual people who are also struggling to navigate life. As children, we did not see that side of them because what we all know is that they are the parental figure we should fear and abide by.

What does society know about becoming a good child? It knows that children know how to obey, that children know how to be considerate, and that children know how to be understanding towards their parents. Although, this is a good trait to have as a human being to be able to show some respect to their parents, what society fails to see is that children are also coping with difficult emotions like their parents. They just did not know how to vocalize it.

As much as we would like to admire our parent’s hard work raising us children, I would like to also make society understand that both parties put the effort to make this work. We should not disregard the hardship that the children went through in nurturing this family relationship.

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Originally published at https://erinne0217.wordpress.com on July 26, 2022.