What We Always Forget About Our Own Healing Progress
In any type of illness, once we experience the symptoms, we always search for its cause and its remedy. We always want to know what triggered the sickness. We always wanted to know how to treat this condition. But, healing won’t end here.
We somehow forget that we also need to know how to prevent this to happen again.
Once we know how to protect ourselves from any type of disease, it is easier for us to fully recover from it. In fact, most health professionals focus on prevention rather than the cure of any type of disorder.
We know how to take certain actions now once we get cold — we get the medicine, rest, and maybe get enough sleep and healthy food by the next time so that our body will get enough resistance to the virus. But, it seems like we do not know how to do it when it comes to mental health. We always forget that it is not about being able to fully recover again from being burnt out — it is also about ensuring that this won’t happen again.
I was impatient with my own progress. It turned out that I have set an unrealistic expectation to myself that maybe after a couple of months, I will be able to challenge myself to take up different roles, and more responsibilities as soon as I get better — I was wrong.
I allowed myself to be on the same hamster wheel again — repeating the same cycle of:
- Feeling guilty about not meeting the expectation
- Do more as it would help boost my ego
- Anxiety and adrenaline rush hits
- Exhaustion eating up my flesh and soul
- Feeling depressed of feeling incapable and inadequate
This has been the same cycle I have been going through over and over again ever since. I tend to beat myself up for not doing enough, then tend to take up more of the things to do, then tend to let the anxiety becomes my motivation to do more, then my body depletes its energy, and then just go through the grief and deep sadness of becoming a failure.
But, this time, I really need to break the bad habits I have created internally over the years.
This is how my recovery journey begins. The deep work I have been doing has been really helpful to find out the root cause of these thought patterns and behaviors. I managed to work lesser hours and allowed myself to relax and enjoy my hobbies again. I am feeling a lot better now, but I still find myself not being content with the outcome. I thought that whatever I did was not working for me.
Only to find that the expectation I put for myself in this healing process was what makes this whole recovery even more difficult.
What I was hoping for is that I will be able to work 120%-200% again. To be inspired to hustle and bustle and be able to be motivated to work fully again — which did not happen. I realized that the benchmark I set for myself was completely off the mark and started to wonder “what is wrong with me?”.
I discovered Simple Happy Zen or Vera’s YouTube video almost a year ago when I was going through a serious burnout from work. I needed to find a solution and how to tackle this unknown illness that I have never got in my life. Then, I saw her video “ 4 Years after BURNOUT. This is what I would tell you.” — and I thought, 4 years after burnout is just too long. I was a bit shocked that even after a few years, they have to deal with the consequences of that event. It made my heart break but I also realized that this is just one of the ‘aha’ moments for me — I need to learn something out of this experience as much as I can. Then, just last night, I watched “ Life After BURNOUT| How I balance health and productivity “ — which resonates a lot more for me as I am now in the phase of ‘life after burnout’ as well. She has beautifully shared what she learned from this experience and these are the few takeaways I decided to take note of.
“We need our batteries to have some energy left to feel good and happy”
We always charge our phones because we know that they won’t function if they are not fully recharged. Why do we treat ourselves less than these machines we own?
“Happiness is something we have to create ourselves”
Deep internal work I have done helped me a lot to learn about myself. Damage has been done. There is nothing we can do in the past now. What we can do now is leverage our wisdom to enhance our present state.
“Try to honor the process, things take as long as they take”
Comparing myself to others is becoming a source of my insecurity. (e.g how others thrive in their career, how others seem to like their job a lot, how others are motivated to be better at work etc) I am trying to learn how to focus on my progress instead.
“Listen to the signs and choose to respect them”
The signals that my body gives me are becoming too obvious now to ignore. Even before I burnout at work, physical illnesses have always been an indicator of my own internal state. If I am feeling something uncomfortable or feeling unhappy, my body always tells me before I even speak. Now, I try to be aware of these signs even the slightest tension I am experiencing.
“Only focusing on being productive can distract you from noticing how you feel”
If there is any Olympic game I can join to prove how I am good at this, I might have been the champion by now. This was one of the coping mechanisms I have developed when I am going through some negative emotions and I was trying to brush it off by occupying myself at school, work, etc. I rewrite this narrative to focus on the things that make me feel good, inspiring, and rewarding — the rest, I won’t put even the smallest energy into them.
“It is important to believe that you have it in you to heal and recover, and do the things that you want to do again”
This is the type of faith I have to rely on. I still have to believe that things will get better no matter how shitty things can get. I must have the conviction in me that I will feel better one day.
What did I learn from this in the end? While treatment is extremely crucial for any kind of ailment, it is also important to be able to be patient with the healing of the wounds and to find a way how to avoid that to happen again.
Also, I do not need to go back to my pre-burnout state to know that I have recovered.
If I end up going back to the same state I was in where I experienced burnout, why would I want to even go back there in the first place? This is not recovery, I have just returned to my previous state before all these messes started to happen. This just means that I did not learn the lesson.
Now that I have the tools with me, I know a lot better now, with the supportive systems I am blessed to have; I should know what to do next by now.
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Originally published at https://erinne0217.wordpress.com on July 28, 2022.
