I Stopped Wishing For A Speedy Recovery
To feel better, to recover and to improve my overall well-being should be something I aim for.
After all, I hate dwelling on these uncomfortable feelings. But at the same time, I don’t want to get better “yet”. Why? Probably, because there is a higher chance of putting myself at risk to be in this cycle of burnout again.
If I knew that I will be ending up hurting myself again, why dare to feel better again?
All we show to other people are our best selves even with the expense of suppressing the dark, soft, and vulnerable side of ourselves. What’s the point of even trying to recover? If at the end of the day, no one really cares about my well-being, since all they care is about the outcome I produce when I am at my best self even though I am feeling so empty inside.
Burnout is not entirely our fault, and so is how we catch a cold at times.
I stopped thinking that being mentally unwell is not as bad as how we can be physically ill sometimes. I stopped expecting that I will get better instantly as how a runny nose and cough can even last for weeks. I stopped putting a timeline on my own recovery just as how we cannot put a deadline for how long we can be sick.
I learned to accept that this is just a part of the ebbs and flow of life.
I learned to acknowledge that this is just a phase of my life that I have to go through to enter another stage of my life. I learned to trust the process without expecting any desirable outcomes.
I stopped expecting recovery and I started to see my progress instead.
I stopped seeking total healing and I started to observe how I feel instead. I stopped hoping for a miracle and I started to wish for other people’s happiness. I stopped attaching myself to achievements and I started to look for how I can help instead.
It is not easy not to see the fast recovery and healing I wished to feel.
It is not easy not to compare myself to the old me who was enthusiastic and had a lot of energy to do more. It is not easy not to feel empty when everything is supposed to look like rainbows and butterflies.
Originally published at https://erinne0217.wordpress.com on June 3, 2023.
